Grief & Jewish Mourning Traditions

Grief Counseling & Grief Recovery in San Diego

Losing a loved one is an incredibly difficult and challenging experience. Perhaps you can’t accept this new reality; or maybe working through the pain of grief is wearing you down. That’s when a qualified grief counselor can help.

There has been an ever-increasing desire to expand traditional roles beyond "at-need" and "pre-need" services into "after-need" or post funeral services for the bereaved.
Am Israel Mortuary is proud to recommend the Jewish Family Service for grief counseling. Jewish Family Service works to build a stronger, healthier, and more resilient San Diego. A major aspect of Jewish Family Service is its commitment to grief support. It provides different resources and services focused on providing grief support to those who have lost a loved one:

Bereavement Counseling

Counseling is offered for couples, families, on a one-on-one basis, and for youth.


Bereavement Support Groups

Grief recovery is enhanced when you reach out to others who have experienced loss. These groups look at the psychological, emotional, spiritual, social, and religious aspects of the grieving process from a Jewish perspective.


Grief counseling meeting

Jewish Mourning Process Customs

Following the death of a family member, Jewish families observe strict Jewish mourning traditions. The purpose of these traditions is to allow for a full expression of grief. The Jewish mourning customs take place in several stages that slowly discourage the excess of grief and allow the mourner to return back to their daily life.

3 Stages of Jewish Mourning Traditions

1. Aninut

The first period of mourning is known as Aninut and lasts from when the mourner first learns of the death until the burial occurs. When the mourner first hears the news, the traditional response is to tear one’s clothing. If the deceased was a parent the tear is made on the left side over the heart. If the deceased was a relative the tear is made over the right side of the chest.


Until the burial takes place, the mourner's sole responsibility is to care for the deceased. Preparations for the funeral take first priority and the mourner is exempt other religious duties. Because Judaism requires a prompt burial, this first period only lasts a day or two.

2. Shivah

The second period is known as Shiva (seven) and lasts for seven days following the burial. This period is observed by the parents, children, spouses, and siblings of the deceased. During this time, the family must stay at home for seven days (it is preferred they gather in the home of the deceased). This is when the mourners receive guests looking to offer condolences and participate in daily religious services.

3. Sheloshim

The third period is Sheloshim (thirty) and lasts until thirty days after the burial. This is the period when mourners are allowed to begin to get back to their normal life. There are still restrictions during this period though such as refraining from attending celebrations like weddings or parties. At the end of the thirty days, it marks the end of the formal Jewish mourning period for most people.


However, if the deceased was a parent, the children must observe a final mourning period known as Avelut. This period extends the restrictions of Sheloshim for an entire year. The son of the deceased is also responsible for reciting the mourner’s Kaddish prayer every day during this period.

What is the meaning of Aninut?

Aninut, a Hebrew word meaning "deep sorrow," is a legal category of mourning used to designate the period from death to burial. An individual who has lost a loved one is referred as an "Onen" during this time.

What is the meaning of Yud-bet chodesh?

The “year of mourning”, actually the twelve Hebrew months following the day of death, the mourning period for a parent.

What is the meaning of Yahrzeit?

Each year on the anniversary of the death, the family must acknowledge it. This is called Yahrzeit and is commemorated by the lighting of a candle. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and the Kaddish prayer is recited. To learn more, see our Yahrzeit calculator.


Are there any special requirements of an Onen?

Quite the contrary. Jewish bereavement tradition recognizes that the enormous pain and shock of loss must be respected. Accordingly, an onen is freed from the responsibility of performing any positive Mitzvot (except observing the Shabbat), such as reciting the Shema or putting on Tefilin. In addition, even close friends are instructed not to express condolence "when his deceased lies before him" (Pirke Avot IV:23) but rather to wait until after the interment. That is why it is only as the family leaves the cemetery that friends are first allowed, by tradition, to utter the traditional words of comfort: "May the Almighty comfort you among all the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
Jewish mourning steps candle

What is Avelut?

Avelut, a Hebrew word meaning "bereavement," refers to the mourning period following interment. A mourner during this period is called an avel. Avelut, which follows aninut, encompasses the mourning customs of Shivah, Sheloshim, and, when a parent has died, the entire twelve-month mourning period.

Grief Therapy Resources

  • Workshops – “Moving on After Loss: Taking Next Steps after the Death of a Loved One". These workshops are geared to widows and widowers that are at least one year into their bereavement. They focus on elements such as downsizing your home, maintaining friendships, dating again, and in general learning how to embrace life after losing your spouse.
Call the Jewish Family Service today at 619-583-8850 to find out more about the programs available to you.

If you would like a more personal counseling experience, Rabbi Aliza Berk - Lic. MFT, is available. 

Please call 858-220-5412. 
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